First time mum/referee/ sleeve snot wiper to a wild toddler. Designated household bum changer. Blogging about this motherhood malarkey from a refreshingly honest and unfiltered perspective.

Sometimes, It's a bit Sh*t

Admit it Mama's, we have all thought we'd do anything for just one baby free day. Or don't, because you will be branded the world's most terrible mum. I have spent the majority of the last week in the same baby-sick stained pj's, (go on, judge) living off custard creams and crying at everything (for example, re-watching 'Love Actually' 4 times in a row and shouting at the TV because how could Harry do that to Karen?!). 

In all honestly, it's just been one of those weeks. 
It's difficult to not be reeled in and disillusioned by social media when mum's constantly post how happy they are all the time and how easy being a parent is (what the hell am I doing wrong?) Their babies are little angels that never cry, (Christ do their babies even shit?) They have taken to mum life like a dream and are the mother fucking Teresa's of breastfeeding.

DISCLAIMER: this is REAL life. Social media is not. 
I'm not naive. I knew having a baby would be challenging. I was aware it would be a massive life altering change and it would take some adjusting too. 
I expected sleep deprivation, crazy amounts of baby poo (he can't possibly be pooing AGAIN?) and not having much of a social life. I did not expect to be an emotional hurricane.  

I have to admit, I have been that mum. The one that splashes all over Facebook about how bloody fantastic everything is. Don't get me wrong there's an obvious truth to this but I have been sucked in to the need to portray that life is always perfect. 
When in reality it's suffering with depression and keeping it to yourself for months because you can't possibly let anyone know that you just don't have it together all the time. Or being unable to admit that you are so undeniably lonely and just need a friend.  
It's spending 24/7 with a tiny baby who loves you like no other but can't ask how you are. 
It's the days where you're frustrated and upset because the baby won't stop crying no matter what you do and you feel like you are the worst mum ever for not being able to console or comfort your distressed child. It's wishing your baby would just go to sleep so you can get 5 minutes to yourself and then feeling guilty for being so selfish. It's finding any excuse to get out of the house because you're too ashamed to admit that you just need to be alone (no, I didn't pour the last of the milk down the sink as an excuse to run to the shop and have 10 minutes to myself); to insist we desperately need more formula (the one we have will last at least 2 more days.) 
That you spent all day trying not to cry and you just want to spend the remainder of the day hiding under the duvet. That sometimes you feel trapped. That you cheerfully type how happy you are when you're actually having a really bad day. That you just need someone to talk too. 

In no way do I want anyone to read this post and scoff at what a terrible mother I must be. I love being a mum. My son is my greatest blessing and I am so grateful but it is hard. All I am saying here is that it's not the picture-perfect filter on Instagram, it's not the happy captioned Facebook posts gushing about how just inexplicably amazing everything is. It's the best thing ever but that doesn't mean it's not tough. It's tears, and sleepless nights; its nappy leakages and cluster feeding; it's baby-won't-stop-crying-no-matter-what-I-do and feeling like a failure.  

It's also wonderful. 
It's watching the baby YOU MADE (still can't wrap my head around that part) grow into a little character; it's capturing their first smile and hearing their first laugh; it's their cute little coos and tiny toes; it's that 'baby smell' and endless snuggles. It's unconditional love. 
It's a roller-coaster. 

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