First-time mum, in training. Blogging about this motherhood malarkey from a refreshingly honest perspective.

It all goes too fast (6 months on)

It feels like it was just yesterday that I was peeing on a stick on a dreary Monday morning in November, already presuming another faint - instead of the much desired + painted boldly on the little window of pregnancy test number 3.  To my utter disbelief not even a minute later, the little blank box was smeared with a big fat POSITIVE!

Despite the relentless morning (ALL DAY) nausea, my new super human ability that heightened my sense of smell and turned me into the super sniffer (i.e any and all food reeked of death); and an absolute aversion to basically all food except mashed potato, I still couldn't quite believe a tiny baby was growing in my stomach. I think I was too afraid to believe it was real in the fear it would all suddenly collapse around me.
I found out I was expecting at just 4 weeks and so the first three months were painstakingly long. I couldn't wait to see my baby wriggling around on the screen and the rapid flicker of it's strong little heartbeat.

However, heartbreak washed over me at just 7 weeks when I found little red specks of blood that gradually became more frequent over the course of just a few hours.
It felt like 24 hours of torture as I waited in anticipation for the ultrasound that would tell me if the bean sized babe still had a heartbeat. Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital surrounded by other mums all wearing the same bleak but slightly hopeful expression, unable to really comprehend what was going on.

The patience and impatience to know as the ever aloof sonographer splattered the goo on my belly, pulled the screen from view and nonchalantly rummaged the probe around my stomach for what felt like hours and her final indifferent shrug, "There's nothing there," left hanging in the air and my heart dropping fulfilling my growing unease. I asked her to check just one more time in the promise that perhaps she had made a mistake.
Waiting. Always so much dreadful waiting.
Only then did she turn the screen to show me the microscopic little raspberry shyly hiding out of view and my heart swelled with gratitude as I clutched the printed photo and whispered, "Just hang in there, little one."

I brood over those little kicks that nudged and jabbed me day in, day out for months and hearing his hammering little heartbeat for the very first time; the wonderment as I watched my body stretch and grow to accommodate the tiny tot occupying my belly until eviction day arrived.
The immovable adoration of finding out the little one I dreamed of and gazed at squirming away at our ultrasounds was a healthy baby boy. Although it was more definite confirmation as I just 'felt' from our very first scan it was a boy.

Preparing for his debut, buying the TINIEST little outfits and folding them all away, building the cot, ordering the pram, choosing a name - it was all so surreal feeling yet so exhilarating.
Sheer restlessness that built up prior to labour and the thrill of what was to come was what made it slowly begin to sink in that in the following weeks I would hold the child I carried and felt move for the last 9 months. FINALLY I would be meeting him and little did I know how it would be
nothing like I ever could have imagined.
It's better, it's so much better. There really are no words.

Suddenly, I blinked and it's as though the last 6 months of his life were a heavenly haze. I stumbled, laughed and muddled through. People always yelped on at me, insisting, "It's the fastest year of your life, enjoy it!" and, "He'll be in school before you know it," but I never anticipated just how true these words were. I soaked up every moment and squeezed in every cuddle I could because the days felt like minutes but it makes it all the more precious.
I have watched him laugh, roll, grow and discover the world around him. He is the sweetest and most perfect little human who continues to amaze me each and every day (and drive me round the bend too!) It hasn't been all sunshine, and motherhood is definitely far from easy but it feels like it is what I was made for (with help of a lot of caffeine and Netflix to help through those sleepless nights.)
It has been a 6 month roller-coaster ride! 

It's been first smiles and tiny toes; the worlds most messiest poos and never sleeping; feeling so much love I could burst and some of the hardest days of my life but every single second, has and, continues to be, the best damn days ever.








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