First time mum/referee/ sleeve snot wiper to a wild toddler. Designated household bum changer. Blogging about this motherhood malarkey from a refreshingly honest and unfiltered perspective.

Letter To My Son

 I don't know whether or not you will ever actually read this but I write so that if you ever do, you will know how precious you are to me.
You will never know how much I love you. I really didn't know what love was until I had you. A mother's love for her child really is like no other.

I understand now when parents always used to nag about calling when you arrived at your friends safely (even if it was a 10 minute walk down the road), insisting you leave an address; contact number; emergency back-up number and e-mail address; and allow a meticulous background check. The repeatedly overused, "You'll understand when you have your own children," and the exaggerated eye roll response followed by scoffs as you stomp out the door and mutter something about being totally embarrassing.

I am already worrying about you getting home safely from school and preparing all possible ways I can prevent you from being in any possible danger and I'm cursing Sarah from Maths class who may or may not break your heart. (I get ahead of myself.)

I hope I can do my best to teach you all I can about the world though I am sure you will discover most for yourself. I aim for you to grow, knowing that although success is good and you should always aim to achieve your best, that life is lonely without love. Don't be swallowed up by the temptations of greed and material possessions.
Love is so important. Find it in everything. In the places you go and the people you meet. Know that loneliness is an abyss that must be filled with laughter.

I am forever doubting myself as mother and I am riddled with 'mum guilt'.
Are you happy? Did I play with you enough today? Do you know how loved you are? Was it bad of me that I put you in the activity mat to occupy yourself with your toys for twenty minutes so I could sit down and relax for just a little while? Or that time I papped you in front of the TV to watch Toy Story while I tried to get some housework done because I just couldn't bear to see the place so messy anymore?

I feel awful for the times when I'm just too tired to play with you as much. Or where I am a little less patient when your level of fussiness has peaked 100%. When I have tried and failed to comfort you when your teething is out of control or that troublesome reflux rears its nasty *head.

*vomit.. so much vomit

Or when my low days get a little too low and I can't bring myself to get up and take you to the park or our usual walks out. I know there are days where I may not give you my undivided attention because I'm worrying about those pesky bills that seem to just never get paid.

I feel guilty for the days where I'm finding it tough and battling my own struggles and am not the best I can be for you.
"I really feel like I need a night off,"
"For christ sakes, is it time for bed yet?"
"God, I just want a coffee in peace what can he possibly be crying for now?"
I am so sorry for those days. I'm still trying to find the balance of taking care of you and myself. I do not want to waste these precious moments with you over insignificant anxieties and problems that won't matter in the years to come.
This parenting malarkey is a tricky business but I promise I am trying so hard to do my very best.

It doesn't matter the countless 'I love you's I gush or the million times I'll squeeze a hug from you as you attempt to worm your way out my grasp, it'll all never feel enough.
I am blessed to watch you blossom into the little character you are becoming.
I am so humbled and so, so proud to be your mum. Thank you for choosing me.

Now go tidy your room.

Much love,

Mum xx

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