First time mum/referee/ sleeve snot wiper to a wild toddler. Designated household bum changer. Blogging about this motherhood malarkey from a refreshingly honest and unfiltered perspective.

The Monsters in our Heads

Here we are again. Feeling so much and feeling nothing at all. Heavy heart. That same old ache. So empty yet so weighed down. Surrounded by nothing and the silence that is filled only by the ticking of that damn clock.

It will always be a fight. Mental health is something that constantly needs managing. It can creep up out of nowhere and engulf you like a black hole swallowing the sun. 

The days can feel so dark, so lonely. A person can feel so broken, and so helpless.
It tells us that we are unlovable. That things won't get better. That nobody cares and we deserve everything bad that comes to us. It can cause us to become reckless and erratic and without regard. To shut out the world and be handicapped by our own fears.
It tells us we should suffer.
And suffer we do.

I will not ever think someone who commits or has committed suicide did so selfishly. I understand. I've been there. I get there.
What the hardest part to come to terms with is that it became so bad. That the sun couldn't peak through their grey skies. 
It should never get so dark. It should never feel so hopeless.
But it does. 
The days will stretch out like a death sentence. The despair will hang heavy on an empty heart. Those thoughts will linger, and become, almost tempting. The only soothing comfort in an endless hell.

When everything feels so bad. When it feels like a burden just to breathe. When emotions are so intense, so overpowering, it's near enough impossible to even contemplate that, one day, things could get better.

Who is there for the dad suffering with unknown Bipolar to reach out too? Or the teenager with debilitating anxiety? The mum with BPD? The young boy ready to jump?
GP's hurl pills like they are going out of fashion. Plastering a slit wrist with a band aid buys time, but you're still bleeding out. Pills cover up but don't fix the problem.
Mental Health services have a 6 month waiting list, if not longer. They're scraping for funding and at a loss to help the thousands of people begging for answers, solutions, a reason to keep trying.

So don't!
Don't insist people just get over it. Don't guilt that children are starving in Africa or someone out there has just lost their mum or dad or love of their life. Don't shame that someone has it worse. 
Don't weep that it's selfish to not want to wake up tomorrow. That there is no reason to feel so sad, or angry or alone. (FYI, most people don't have a reason. It just is. That's why it's so hard to overcome, to fight through because we are up against a battle with nothing but our minds in control of our hearts.)
Don't promise things will get better. Don't paint the illusion there is light at the end of the tunnel. When? How long is this tunnel to nowhere?

Don't insist there is no cause, no justifiable reason for their feelings or thoughts or behaviours. 
That's telling someone their emotions are lesser and therefore not worthy, not bad enough to be considered valid. 

Please stop telling people to just reach out. Please understand that these demons that possess the mind and clutch at the soul don't allow us to do so. 
ASK! Check in on that friend that hasn't called today. Who seemed quieter during the weekly coffee date. That shrugged off the ache with a half-hearted laugh. Insisted they were tired. Whose smile didn't quite touch the eyes that didn't seem to shine as bright.

Ask, press. 
Dig a little deeper. 

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