First time mum/referee/ sleeve snot wiper to a wild toddler. Designated household bum changer. Blogging about this motherhood malarkey from a refreshingly honest and unfiltered perspective.

How it Goes..

In light of World Mental Health Day, I wrote a little blog post on my own battle with Mental Health. It is never something I openly delve into, however it is not something I feel the need to shy away from discussing.

It's a war I haven't yet conquered. It's the loneliest battle, fighting the mind. It's exhausting and relentless and, at times, hard to bare. It can feel like a losing, and sometimes, pointless fight. 

I could be feeling on top of the world, so much excitable energy coursing through my body that I feel like nothing can stop me. Running on this adrenaline that feels like a drug I know will wear off swiftly and unexpectedly. Like the abrupt flick of a light switch, I'll shift. Snap. Change.
An emptiness that seems eternal will take over. An ache that persists. A sadness so heavy it suffocates.

I wrote how I felt on a particular day last week as a way of making sense of what I was feeling and how I have been feeling most days recently...

A calm exterior though my head is throbbing with thoughts. Thoughts that are racing faster than my words can slur them, that speed so fast I can't make sense of them. I'm unable to depict one fleeting idea from the next, like when you're on a train and everything outside is flying past you, the trees, the hills, the people, all a fuzzy, obscure blur.

Still, my mind is buzzing, ready to crack from the pressure, from this senseless noise. I feel restless and agitated and I just can't stand how tightly bound I feel in my own skin. Memories, concepts, ideas, fears, all clutter my head, flickering back and forth uncontrollably.
I want to go as fast as my mind. I want to rip my skin from my bones.
I feel an agitation creeping up my spine. I can't sit still. The t-shirt I'm wearing is itching my skin. The kid hitting his toy repeatedly off the wall in demand of his mother's attention is making me twitch. The lights are hurting my eyes. Everything feels chaotic.

I hear people talk.
This dull murmur. A cacophony of chatter and whispers and commotion that feels like a hammer bashing against my skull.
I grind my teeth to suppress my urge to scream at every single one of them, "SHUT THE F*CK UP!" I can feel this boundless anger surging through my veins. 
I clench my fists so tight, my knuckles turn white. My skin feels hot. I'm trembling.
I feel like I'm here but I'm not. Everything seems surreal. Like I'm a spectator in my own body, watching from afar.

A woman starts chatting, conversing with me about the ridiculous price of the cushions she's admiring. She gives me a warm smile that only seems to fuel this ceaseless irritation.
I begin babbling. My head goes faster. I can't stop gushing unintelligible nonsense. The words are pouring out of me and I don't think it makes sense. I'm talking too fast but I can't stop myself. My heart is pounding, I can feel it strumming against my chest. My fingertips are tingling. I want to laugh and maybe cry, too. I have this sort of endless, excitable energy buzzing through me that makes me feel angry and excited and slightly claustrophobic.

Suddenly, I'm overcome with a dread that cripples me. This unknown terror that promises cataclysm.
I feel the crash that is coming. The anxiety that slithers up my spine, ready to paralyze. Feel my heart beat right out of my chest.
My head is still abuzz. I feel like it might explode from all the thoughts crammed inside. The pressure is pulling my skin apart. Tearing me in two. I want to scream until my throat is hoarse.
I feel like I'm plummeting off a cliff. I'm terrified of the fall I've felt so many times before but I'm desperate for that mundane nothingness. To feel a sense of calm. For my mind to quieten.

Relief. My head starts to slow, a train finally coming to halt.
But I feel drained and mellow and empty as hell.
I feel like I'm falling in a never ending abyss. A fog has clouded my thoughts. My mind has gone from speeding to barely functioning. 

I feel depleted and a tired no sleep can cure. A familiar purgatory that makes me so hollow yet so heavy. That sadness that makes it hard to breath. Or think. Or move. Or be.

And I wait...
Wait for the next sudden plummet in my high. The surge during my low. Wait to feel a steady that never comes. Wait for release. Wait for something. Wait for nothing.

Whether it be in five seconds or five minutes. Five days. My moods will continue to hastily twist and switch and alter. I will continue to feel at a loss of who I am from one minute to the next. I will go from soaring to drowning. 

But how can you thrive any other way when chaos is all you know? When you're nothing without it.

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