First time mum/referee/ sleeve snot wiper to a wild toddler. Designated household bum changer. Blogging about this motherhood malarkey from a refreshingly honest and unfiltered perspective.

What They Should Tell You..

As you are probably all aware, I really did, to my own sadness, struggle when I became a mum for the first time. It was for several reasons, but one of them was, why did no one tell me how hard this was really going to be?
Sure, the fact babies don't sleep through the night and coffee will be my new sole diet was mentioned but it would have been a lot more beneficial had someone sat me down and told me straight:

An enlightening truth giver: Well, you see your current life set up?

Me (sipping coffee and feeling refreshed after my 7 hour uninterrupted sleep) : Uh huh?

Enlightening truth giver: Well that is all about to change.

Me: (eating my warm, breakfast whilst lounging on the couch catching up on TV that is filled with violence, adrenaline and absolutely no singing or animated, squeaking forest animals ) 
  Mm, if you say so.

Enlightening truth giver: No, really. Listen to me now. It does. 

Me: Well I can still enjoy my coffee in the morning, and a bite to eat, right?

Enlightening truth giver: Mmm, perhaps around lunchtime though. If you're lucky, that is.

Me: But how is that? Babies are tiny, all they do is eat and sleep.

Enlightening truth giver: Well, because you'll have had little to no sleep the previous night. You'll stagger to the kitchen half asleep at 5am and try make yourself some coffee to waken yourself up but then the baby starts crying because they're due a feed. So you leave the coffee idle and attend to the baby. Before, you get a chance to comfort them with a bottle, they throw up all over the sleep suit and you need to go and change them but they're still so small and delicate so it'll take you about 20 minutes just to switch them into a new outfit because you're afraid you might break them. They then do an explosive poo that's smeared all over the fresh outfit so you now need to go through the whole debacle again. You finally sit down to feed the baby, you burp them and they finally fall asleep into a peaceful slumber. You now just realise you actually forgot to get a drink and you're incredibly parched but you can't move in fear you'll wake your finally sleeping baby and risk the only twenty minutes of silence and peace you'll get. Your arm has gone dead, your phone is out of charge and the TV remote is just out of reach and the baby is stirring but you're CRAZY thirsty so you-

Me: Okay, okay, okay, enlightening truth giver, you are portraying a very, informative, rather mundane picture there..

Enlightening truth giver: Yup. Oh, that too. It's all very mundane. So very boring. Bored is all you will be. The same four walls, inane baby TV, crying, poo and clingy fourth trimester fun. 

Me: Well, Hannah from across the street, she is exceptional at it. She aces being a mum. She loves it!

Enlightening truth giver: Hannah cries herself to sleep and self medicates with gin and chocolate.

Me: Oh, right. Well, Katie. She has two kids now, she's really got this mum gig sussed.

Enlightening truth giver: Well Katie's second kid is nothing like her first. Now she has a feral toddler to try and contend with whilst looking after her colicky newborn. Katie is also winging it. She has no idea what she's doing.

Me: Does anyone know what the hell they're doing?

Enlightening truth giver: Absolutely not.

Me: Then why do they act as if they do?!

Enlightening truth giver: There are a couple of theories. One being, the need to continue procreating for the sake of a dying species. The second being Susan who paints the pretty picture of Saturday outings with picnics and peaceful car trips that don't involve fighting over the ipad or who gets the front seat. She creates the illusion that this is an easy job, tricking others to believe the same and try it also. 

Me: Well, shit.

If someone had sit down and give me this honest talk, in prep of what was to come. Well, damn wouldn't I have been a little more inclined to realise that shit was about to get real.

No comments

Post a Comment

Blogger Template Created by pipdig