First time mum/referee/ sleeve snot wiper to a wild toddler. Designated household bum changer. Blogging about this motherhood malarkey from a refreshingly honest and unfiltered perspective.

Just a Mum..

Having a baby is one of the most astounding, life changing experiences I have ever went through. Arthur being placed in my arms for the first time was breathtaking and a moment I wish I could relive a thousand times over. Becoming a mum is the most rewarding, most fulfilling thing I ever done and I would, without a doubt, do it all again.

However, the arrival of a baby is such a massive adjustment. Everything in your life gets flipped upside down so suddenly (for the better, I might add). Everything seems so surreal and you have to adapt so quickly. It's physically, mentally and emotionally testing. 

Recovery from labour is a slow one, but there is no time for relaxation, no period to rest and recoup. Whether your birth was smooth sailing or sadly, traumatic, it still takes a mental and emotional toll on your body and your mind, and with the pressing insistence of a newborn, it can be difficult to find that down time or space where you can really take in the whirlwind of events that have just occurred.

Having your life alter so drastically can leave you feeling a little stunned. As a mother, your cooing newborn is now your number one focus. Something just naturally clicks and you transform into this  milk machine of multitasking and origami nappy changing.

Nevertheless, we can feel a little out of whack. Like we have lost ourselves. We transition quite abruptly into this banal, lonesome and intermittent routine. We get on it with it and we push through but it can feel as though opportunities that were once being thrown at you have now slipped you by.

That pressing drive to pursue a career you were once fired with now seeming like a rather unrealistic prospect. Or missing out on the monthly night out to catch up with old friends, the girls holiday, the date. I think it's hard not to find ourselves reminiscing the old days and feeling, almost shameful we sometimes yearn for a past time.

I'm just a mum now. I'm only a mum now. I'm simply, merely, solely.
Mum, mummy, mother.
But, what about the other you? Who are you when you're not playing mum? Do you miss the old you sometimes?
The fun you. Less tired you. The you that was a lot more party till the sun comes up, a little less falling asleep at 8pm.

Fancy attire and coordinated outfits are stolen for a sick smeared t shirt and comfy leggings that you may or may not have worn for three days in a row. Pretty handbags filled with your favourite perfume and a black-hole of lipsticks you swore you'd lost are replaced for practical changing bags bursting with 45 nappies, 2 packets of wipes, 6 dummies, 3 outfits, 4 bottles and a blanket all for a small two hour day trip because you never know what can happen.

Weekends staggering around in dingy nightclubs fumed with sweat and sticky floors. The deafening, dreadful music followed by the 3am greasy chippy and crying to your friends about that guy you drunk call every week that they kept telling you was an absolute w*nker but you never did listen. Waking up on someones couch the following noon with a splitting headache and slurring about the horrendous personal choices of the night previous whilst laughing all the same switches to early Saturday mornings spent at soft play. Surrounded by an army of turbulent, savage little toddlers that always hog the toy your kid was contentedly playing with and the parents that sink their head further into their magazine and pretend not to notice. (I don't blame them. That kid seems like a real little f*cker.)

You overstay at soft play because it's something to do. Because you can't stick another day in the prison of four walls and hysterically happy Kids TV presenters (I'd like to request the highest dose of whatever shit they are taking, please.)
Your every day cologne is now a yearly birthday treat because the spare money in your pocket that was once for indulging in whatever you fancied is now budgeted for nappies and baby formula and your new every day scent is a strong, musty infusion of crusty dried in milk and baby vomit.

The days of spontaneity have vanished and been replaced for the expected, dull humdrum of any other day. The days of expressing a carefree attitude is now a composed state of stress, anxiety and way too much coffee and the unhealthy habit of Googling every odd symptom your child displays in sheer panic they may need immediate medical attention.
Becoming a mum, I feel like I changed into a totally different person and, most definitely, for the better. Arthur focused my entire world into a fresh, new perspective. I feel like I was blind before. My priorities fixated on frivolous and immaterial things. 

Arthur was the missing part. He brought out a strength in me that was buried under fear and self doubt. He gave me a voice that was crammed in the back of my throat too feeble to so much as croak. I was diffident, unsure of myself, a little sheepish and a little lost. He changed me into the person I always knew I could be.

Despite, lack of sleep, always being covered in sticky food and never getting five minutes peace, my heart has never felt so full. He gave me purpose. But goddamn, I miss a fun night out on the town. 

No comments

Post a Comment

Blogger Template Created by pipdig