First time mum/referee/ sleeve snot wiper to a wild toddler. Designated household bum changer. Blogging about this motherhood malarkey from a refreshingly honest and unfiltered perspective.

It has to come from you

Happiness, how often have we searched, sought, begged, hunted for it?
In a better paying job, in booking that annual holiday, in someone else. Hoping this will appease the void that demands something is missing, a sort of dull emptiness that quietly nags and insists to be pacified.

The trouble is, these temporary, albeit tempting, pleasures, these things we fixate our inner peace on, this idealistic expectation that materialistic values, that other people will fulfill the emptiness... it's false. It is only a momentary substitute for the loneliness that crowds you, a short-lived relief for the smoke of sorrow surrounding your heart.
It may temporarily compensate the nothingness. It may feel alleviating. It may become a surrogate for the hole you try to fill with fanciful satisfaction and provide you with a sense of contentment but it won't last.

Whatever it is you are not entirely content with, it cannot be sought in momentary thrills. The thirst cannot be quenched, encased in the arms of another.
Happiness, true happiness, is achieved when you find it in yourself. When you learn to become accepting of your own company without relying on others to cater for the loneliness. When you stop searching for love in another person and love what is mirrored in reflection. When you confront what you fight so hard to bury rather than will it away. When you dance with your demons instead of running from them.

Meaningless sex, extravagant purchases, the bottom of a bottle, all these attempts are futile. You can't depend on them and expect to get anywhere. You can't envisage happiness in things which are meager or brief. It won't be found in insufficient methods.

If you spend your entire life seeking comfort in addiction or the rush of ecstasy it provides, you won't ever find abiding fulfillment. The swift elation will burn out and be replaced by the same feeling you tried to run from.
It has to come from you and only you. If you find it in yourself first, the intense desire to pursue it in any other means won't feel so pressing.

It's there, it always has been.

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