First time mum/referee/ sleeve snot wiper to a wild toddler. Designated household bum changer. Blogging about this motherhood malarkey from a refreshingly honest and unfiltered perspective.

Life is passing me by

Life is passing me by. I feel it. I want to fix it but all I can do is acknowledge it, be aware it's there but not know what the hell to do with it. It demands to be felt, this feeling of emptiness, this thought that I'm waiting, just waiting. I don't know what I'm waiting for but, I wait nonetheless.

Life is passing me by. I feel it. I am merely existing. I'm not living. I wake up, I take a piss and I feel the same familiar sense of dread drown my lungs. I wake, only because the sun streaks through the window and demand I rise. I work, only because we are in this prison, this programme, this unacknowledged knowledge we squeeze to the back of our minds, this slave trade of work till we die, struggle, find it hard to make ends meet. Wish the days away to go home to empty walls, houses that aren't homes and feel comforted only by the very same emptiness we long to escape from.
I eat because my body demands it, because the hunger pains my stomach. I do not feel my mouth water at the thought of it, I don't salivate at the thought of it brushing my lips. 
I chew and I chew and I chew and every bite becomes more and more impossible, more difficult. The burden of it all makes me feel sick. I taste nothing but feel the difficulty in forcing it down. 

I feel exhausted with the day to day charade. I feel dead before I've even lived. I question the point, why we eat just to shit it right back out, why we indulge in pleasure only to feel the greed of craving more when it doesn't satisfy, why we are possessed by the notion that only things can make us feel happy.

Life is passing me by. I feel it. I'm surrounded by people, this swarm of noise and sweat and being but I feel alone, blocked off by an invisible barricade. A framed glass. I'm here but I'm not. I speak but I'm unheard. I'm wishing the days away and dreading the coming mornings. I've fallen into this mundane routine of nothingness and I'm tired of it.

Life is passing me by. I feel it. I've been feeling it a lot. This weight. This pang of jealousy. This longing. I feel like I'm someones character in a video game but they can't reach past Level 1, the game keeps crashing. I'm stuck in this cycle, this loop of eat, sleep, feel shit, repeat.

That feeling, that irritating niggle won't abandon. It refuses to dissipate because I can't keep it satisfied. It crouches in the corner of my mind, a dull humdrum that I can't block out, a ringing in my ears that makes my face screw up, a heaviness in my heart that makes me feel so empty.
The hunger needs fed, the thirst, quenched. This big black fog is choking me. 

Life is passing me by, I feel it.

4 comments

  1. Love this piece. It's so true, we do so many pointless things and then we stop and realise 5 years has passed us in a flash. 5 years we will never get back so we promise to make the most of it from now on and then we stop and look and another 5 years is gone.

    ReplyDelete
  2. what a lovely piece of writing. Life passes by so fast

    ReplyDelete

Blogger Template Created by pipdig