First time mum/referee/ sleeve snot wiper to a wild toddler. Designated household bum changer. Blogging about this motherhood malarkey from a refreshingly honest and unfiltered perspective.

Letter to a King

Dear Arthur,  

Let me just start off by saying you are my sunshine. Really, you are. No cloud could ever dampen my day when I have someone like you to brighten the grey. 
I suspect you’ll stumble across this blog at some point or another and I hope you don't think of me differently. I hope that my complaints, my self doubts, and whining doesn't upset you.
I hope you can understand for the most part why I’ve written some of the things I have, why I chose to share them and why my reasoning for some of the emotions I’ve experienced. I hope you still love me as much despite some of my choices or failures.  

Being a parent is tough, so bloody tough and I really, admittedly, struggled at times. No one prepares you, you're painted a pretty picture of the baby smell perfume, cuddles and minuscule outfits. Nobody mentions the disdain or the loneliness. No one hints at just how overwhelming and tiresome it really all is. How much guilt and self doubt and criticism eats away at you because no matter what you do, your best still feels inadequate. 

There were days I was just so exhausted, or so beat and I couldn’t wait till your bedtime or an overnight away to then be consumed by guilt for longing time away from you. When all these feelings I tried to suppress, that made me feel so ashamed, that made me believe I was a bad mum, were actually not so uncommon. Many others, like myself, wallowed in their isolation and unwashed, over worn, milk, fingerprint, bogie, stained leggings. Sluggishly dragging themselves through the motions of another uneventful day home alone with the baby. Many others, felt trapped and bored and beat.
Many others felt emotions so contradictory, it seemed impossible. Many others, like myself, felt so NORMAL.

I’ve not always been on top form but what never changed, was how much I love you. You are my whole world and more. I couldn't envisage life without you in it, it wouldn't be a life at all.
I’m always second guessing myself, always doubting, always so unsure, but everything I do, is for you. I'm sorry if I have projected my own nail biting anxieties onto you, I just don't want to fail. 

Even as I’m writing this letter, as you lie asleep in the next room, snuggled in your bed, I’m worrying about you. I don’t think I’ll ever stop worrying about you. It’s a mother's burden.
I fret if I played with you enough today, if I hugged you tight enough before I left for work or dropped you at Nursery. I wonder if I wasted the day instead of making the most of this time I can't bottle. Questioning if I'm giving you the best I possibly can. If I'm fulfilling my role as your mum.
Are you happy? Do I spend enough time with you? Do you know how loved you are? 
Was it bad of me that I bribed you with another yoghurt as a distraction from clinging to my leg for the sake of ten minutes to hide in the kitchen and scroll through Facebook? 
Or that I plopped you in front of the TV to be brainwashed by talking onions and laughing suns so I could drink a cup of tea in peace?  

I feel awful for the times when I'm just too tired to play with you as much. Or where I am a little less patient when your level of fussiness has boiled passed my level of patience.  Or when my low days get a little too low and I can't bring myself to get up and take you to the park or our usual walks out, when a day in front of the TV is the best I can give. I know there are days where I may not give you my undivided attention because my mind is occupied, worrying about those pesky bills that just seem to never stop piling up. 

You are the best and most beautiful gift I could ever have been given. I feel so lucky to be your mum and I wake each day so grateful to have you. I’m beaming with pride and adoration as I watch you grow into the little man you are becoming. 

I know I won’t always get it right and I know there will be times when you hate me and the world is so unfair and you’ll threaten to move in with your Dad because I suck, but please know I am trying so very hard to be the best I can for you. I will make mistakes and mess up more times than not. I’ll piss you off and say things I don’t mean. I’ll let you down and spend forever trying to make up for it. 

I hope I can do my best to teach you all I can about the world though I am sure you will discover most for yourself. I aim for you to grow, knowing that although success is good and you should always aim to achieve your best, that life is lonely without love. Don't be swallowed up by the empty temptations of greed and material possessions. 
Love is so important. Find it in everything. In the places you go and the people you meet. Know that loneliness is an abyss that must be filled with laughter. 

Life can be tough. You’ll face some hard times; you’ll be stung by heartbreak and greet Death but I don’t doubt your strength and determination to overcome whatever the world may challenge you with. Don’t let life drag you down. Don’t let the bad things that happen harden your heart. Stay humble, and kind and compassionate.  

Although you may encounter some tough times, you’ll also experience wonderful things. You’ll fall in love, and fall in love again. You’ll taste new foods and visit new places. You’ll laugh so much it hurts.  You'll cry with happiness and feel your heart cocooned by content.

Follow your gut, trust your heart, face your fears and always face any situation with an open mind.
Know that no matter what you do or where you go in life, that you’re always in my heart. Know that I’m so unbelievably proud to call you my son. All I ever want is for you be at peace with yourself and content in the simple things.  
Know that you are the best damn thing I could ever have asked for. If I ever did anything right, it was you, Arthur. Know that I’ll always be here for you, even when I’m not. 
My sunshine, I love you so dearly and so much that it hurts. 

Don’t ever stop being you. 

Lots of love and bear hugs, 

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